sCovenant Theology: The Family

(Part 4 Sermon Number Thirty-one)

by

James E. Bordwine, Th.D.

Introduction

In our study of the family, we have covered the relation of male and female, in general, by looking at the account of our first parents' creation as recorded in Gen. 2; we also examined Paul's interpretation and application of that information as he wrote about male-female role relationships. Presently, I am working with point number two, which is the relation of husband and wife. Based upon Eph. 5:22-33, my focus is on the basic roles and duties that belong to each party in a marriage.

In the last sermon, I mentioned that the key to correct interpretation and application of this passage is the recognition of Paul's use of the Christ-Church model. Based on what can be observed in Christ's relation to His Church, Paul explains how wives are to relate to husbands and how husbands are to relate to wives. Paul's use of this model is such that the reader is constantly forced to consider how the Church responds to Christ and what Christ does for the Church as he learns about the husband-wife relationship.

Having examined what Paul has to say about the duty of wives, we are ready to move on to vv. 25 ff. where the apostle speaks to husbands.

2. The Relation of Husband and Wife (continued)

22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; 26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 FOR THIS CAUSE A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, AND SHALL CLEAVE TO HIS WIFE; AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.

In vv. 22-24, where Paul addresses wives, I called attention to his three-fold outline: the command, the explanation for the command, based upon the Christ-Church model, and the restatement of the command. The same pattern is evident when Paul turns his attention to husbands. Verse 25 says: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her...” The actual command given by Paul is found in the words: “Husbands, love your wives.” Obviously, at first glance, this command seems to be rather general; it does not appear to be nearly as specific as, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands...” A wife looks at the command in v. 22 and understands immediately that the obligation being placed upon her is narrowly focused; she may have to study the Word to understand just how she is to be subject to her husband, but the basic idea is clear enough.

A husband, on the other hand, looks at v. 25 and sees, “Husbands, love your wives,” and immediately says to himself: “That's easy. Of course I love my wife.” The husband assumes that what he has learned about love in this world is the same thing Paul is commanding in this verse; the husband thinks that Paul means what the world means when it uses the word, “love.” So, the husband thinks, “No problem. ” But there is a problem and the problem is the husband's concept of love; husbands do not know what it means to love their wives because they are sinners whose understanding has been corrupted. Husbands must learn what it means to love their wives as God intended. This is not something that “comes naturally.”

When we looked at the command, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands,” we sought to define the term, “be subject to,” according to Biblical teaching. Only in this manner, can a wife know what God requires of her when He says, “Be subject to your own husband.” Likewise, we must define the term, “love,” as used in the command to husbands. Only in this way, can a husband know what God requires of him when He says: “Love your wife.” We know that Paul does not mean, “Husbands, have an emotional connection with your wives”; nor does he mean, “Husbands, make sure you have physical desires for your wives.” Both of these matters are involved in love, but they surely do not define love, except in the eyes of many in this fallen world.

How do we know that Paul has something else in mind? We know because he attaches some qualifiers to this command. He gives the command, “Husbands, love your wives,” and then, in the same verse, begins a reference to the Christ-Church model to explain what this command means and why it is laid upon the husband's shoulders: “...just as Christ also loved the church...” It is the Christ-Church model that defines love. God would have us look to the example of His Son, our Savior, to learn what love is and to understand, in the process, just how empty, selfish and useless is the world's idea of love.

I mentioned Paul's use of parallels earlier when he established connections between the wife's subjection to her husband and her subjection to her Savior, and between the husband's headship of his wife and Christ's headship of the Church. Once again, as he offers an explanation of the command to husbands, Paul relies on this method of teaching as he explains how and why a husband should love his wife. In this case, the parallel is between the love of Christ for the Church and the love of the husband for his wife. Let me repeat that this is where the Christ-Church model comes into play. And, as I also noted earlier, Paul's use of parallelism requires us to define love in the same manner for both relationships; we cannot define Christ's love for the Church in one way and the commanded love of the husband for his wife in another way.

Therefore, if a husband wants to know what it means for him to love his wife, if he wants to know how this command is fulfilled, if he wants to know what being the head of his wife means, he must look to the example set by Jesus Christ in His treatment of the Church and this is, according to Paul's teaching, the only legitimate source of instruction. The husband may not look to the world, he may not trust his own instincts and he may not rely even upon the well-intentioned counsel of others. The husband is required to love his wife if he is to be obedient to Godand let us be clear, this is a commandment from Godand God defines love by His Son's example.

How then, did Christ love His Church and how does He continue to manifest that love? There are two interrelated characteristics to be gleaned from Christ's relation to His Church as described in these verses by Paul. First, Christ's relation to His Church is characterized by self-sacrifice. This is a general description of how Christ treats the Church. Paul says: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her...” (v. 25) What Paul has in mind, and what defines love, is what Christ did for the Church; His love was visible; His love could be seen because it translated into action. Christ lived a life of perfect obedience to the law of God so that His righteousness could be credited to His Bride; He died on the cross to pay for the sins of His Bride so that She would not have to face the wrath of God; and He rose from the dead so that His Bride would no longer be bound by “him who had the power of death, that is, the devil.” (Heb. 3:14)

Christ's professed love for the Church was proven in His actions. This leads to the conclusion that Biblical love, the kind manifested by Christ and the kind commanded from husbands, does not consist of words only. Biblical love is action-oriented; it expresses itself in behavior. This is not to say that words have no place in the expression of Biblical love; in fact, the Bible has much to say about the value of rightly-spoken words. But words themselves are not the sum of Biblical love. Merely saying the words, “I love you,” does not, by itself, qualify as a true expression of Biblical love. Jesus, of course, did not simply tell us that He loved us, He demonstrated His love by dying for us. Jesus claimed to have come to earth to redeem His people from sin; His claim, while important, did not accomplish that redemption. The life He lived and the death He endured are what accomplished our redemption.

It is not uncommon for people to conclude that v. 25 requires that husbands be willing to die for their wives. I think this view is too “simplistic” of an interpretation and certainly misses the point. Of course, husbands should be willing to die to protect their wives, but Paul means more. When translated to the husband, Christ's example has a lot more to do with living than dying. The husband is to be characterized by the attitude exhibited in the Savior and that attitude, as I've emphasized, was manifested in what He did for the Church and in how He treated the Church. The good of the Church did, eventually, require the death of Christ, but this is not necessarily true for the husband. The good of his wife, which is a chief concern, is related more appropriately not to his willingness to die for her, but to his willingness to deny himself and so construct his life that she might benefit. Husbands are not to be self-centered because, following marriage, they are no longer alone and are no longer to be concerned only with themselves.

This is what it means to love your wife as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for Her. But we need to be more specific. What is described thus far is a general attitude that husbands are to have. The next two verses specify just how this attitude of self-sacrifice is to be displayed and, as we will see, the emphasis is upon the spiritual. Paul teaches that Biblical love, the kind demonstrated by Christ for the Church and the kind required of husbands, is chiefly spiritual in focus. This, of course, puts the fulfillment of the command to husbands within every man's reach. We are not talking about what material things a husband can give his wife; we are talking about how he views her and how his view of her translates into how he treats her and what he desires for her.

Therefore, the second characteristic to be noted about Christ's love for the Church is His concern for the spiritual well-being of His Bride. Christ's willingness to give Himself up for the Church had a focus; His selflessness had a goal and that goal was the spiritual purification of the Church. Paul says that Christ gave Himself up for the Church “that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless.” (vv. 26, 27) I've mentioned that Christ's aim as “Savior of the body” was the spiritual deliverance and preservation of His Church. These two verses focus on the spiritual nurturing that is involved in headship, which, as the context indicates, is what Paul is talking about when he commands husbands to love their wives. Headship implies responsibility for another's welfare.

The ministry of Christ was designed to secure the redemption of His people. He did whatever was necessary to achieve that end. His concern for the Church translated into action and that action consisted of tending to the spiritual condition of the Church. Christ lived, died and lived again to sanctify His people. He took away our sin and provided an imputed righteousness so that we might be with Him forever. Christ desired a beautiful Bride, one that was beautiful, not in physical appearance, but in spiritual purity. Christ's aim was to bring His Bride to the point where She would enjoy all the blessings of God and would, Herself, be a blessing to God.

In summary, then, we can say that Christ's love for the Church consists of His willingness to set aside His comfort that He might perfect His Bride in holiness. Remember that in another place, Paul writes: “Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” (Phil. 2:5-8) Concern for another that translates into action designed to benefit that party is the essence of Christ's example and should be found in the husband's relation to his wife.

How does all this translate to a husband? I can rule out one idea immediately. Paul is not teaching that husbands have anything whatsoever to do with their wives' redemption; nor is he saying that husbands are responsible for their wives sanctification. Paul means just what he meant earlier when he spoke to wives; he means that a husband's love for his wife is supposed to mirror Christ's love for the Church. Christ's love and the husband's love are not identical in extent, purity or effect; but they are similar in nature. Christ is a model for the husband and the husband is bound to show the same kind of concern for his wife's spiritual well-being. Therefore, he will instruct her in the Word and see that she gets proper instruction from other sources. He will pray for her and walk rightly before God himself so as not to cause his wife to suffer due to his sin. The husband will do what he can to create an environment in which his wife is free to live before God as a woman.

Paul's exhortation to husbands ends with a restatement of the command: “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies.” (v. 28) The relation of Christ to His Church again is noted for the purpose of instruction (cf. vv. 29, 30). The Church is related to Christ as a body to its head; so the wife is related to the husband in the same manner. This description underscores the unity of husband and wife and the importance of rightly exercising authority within that union. In a manner of speaking, the husband who wrongly exercises his authority in marriage is engaged in self-destruction. Paul concludes that a husband cannot properly do anything but love his wife because, in a spiritual sense, she is part of him even as the Church is part of Christ.

The last three verses contain the ground of Paul's words and a brief conclusion. The apostle refers to the creation account in Gen. 2, which means that he is applying the principles of creation theology in this passage dealing with husbands and wives (cf. v. 31). Paul's quick reference to the creation account indicates that his teaching on the relation of husbands and wives comes from that important period when the fundamental relationship between the sexes was established. Paul has taken the principle of male headship in Gen. 2 and made application of it to the institution of marriage.

The brief conclusion to which I've referred is found in vv. 32, 33. I should point out that the “mystery” mentioned in v. 32 isn't the idea of marriage itself, but the nature of the relationship established between the two parties. It is a unique relationship unlike any other experienced by human beings. The phrase, “but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church,” directs our attention to the union of the believer and his Savior and so confirms the beauty and spiritual nature of marriage.

Finally, Paul tells husbands to love their wives even as themselves; and he tells wives to “respect” their husbands. The term, “respect,” comes from phobeo, which literally means “to put to flight, to terrify.” In this context, however, Paul does not mean that wives are to be “afraid” of their husbands; he means that wives are respectfully to recognize and submit to the God-given authority of their husbands in the marriage relationship. They are to contribute to the orderliness of the home by relating to their husbands as their heads just as the Church relates to Christ as Her Head.

I stated that what Paul has to say about marriage is within the context of redemption. Paul's words correct the thinking of our fallen minds and enable us to know, in Christ, what the Creator intended as the proper relationship between husband and wife. In Christ, we are able to understand how God created us and able, although imperfectly, to relate to one another according to His design. This leads me to an observation. Before the fall, God instructed Adam and Eve regarding their respective roles and His purposes for them. After the fall, the instructions and the roles and the purposes of God have not changed. What has changed is that God's will in these matters now is made known to us through a Mediator, Jesus Christ. God's will has not changed and Christ has appeared to communicate this fact to us and, through His Spirit, equip us to comply.

Application

The only application that I will offer can be introduced in the form of a question: Husband, do you love your wife? Remember, you can't answer this question based on the world's definition of love and you can't answer this question based on your instincts. As a Christian husband, you must answer this question according to what Paul teaches in this passage. In other words, you must answer this question by comparing yourself to Jesus Christ. Husband, do you love your wife?

We've seen that Christ's love for the Church can be summed up with reference to two characteristics: First, He exhibited an attitude of self-denial and this attitude was manifested in His actions toward the Church; second, Christ's actions amounted to an overriding concern for the spiritual well-being of the Church. Notice, as you consider the example of the Savior, that while He expressed His love for the Church in words, He proved the validity of those words in His behavior. He promised His disciples that He would never forsake them (cf. John 6:35 ff.) and He said that He had come to save them (cf. John 12:47). But the Savior did more than that; He not only said these things, He also proved their truthfulness by giving Himself for the Church. Notice, too, that according to Paul's words, the spiritual well-being of the Church is what pleases Christ. The Savior did what He did, not out of expectation of some kind of repayment from us, but purely out of His love for us and His desire that we be made holy.

Husband, how do you compare to this sterling example? Let me help you answer this question by assuring you that you need not look for perfection in yourself; you will not find it. But, as you look at Christ and then look at your life, do you at least see a similar concern for your wife? Do you see evidence of self-denial? Do you see things you have done and decisions you have made that, while maybe not ideal according to your tastes and preferences, were done to benefit your wife? Do you see that you have made choices in life that were designed for the good of your marriage and not just for your own good? The husband who loves his wife as Christ loves the Church should be able to answer “yes” to these questions. He should be able honestly to declare that he is living his life in a manner that reflects his awareness of his responsibility toward his wife.

And what about Christ's overriding concern for His Bride's spiritual well-being? Husband, can you say that your wife's spiritual development is a high priority in your life? Are you as careful as you should be about the literature that comes into your home? Are you as careful as you should be about what comes into your home through the radio, TV and videos? Are you as careful as you should be to ensure that your wife has the time and opportunity to continue studying the Word? Are you maintaining control of your household on Saturday night so your wife can rest and be prepared for worship on Sunday morning? Are you doing what you can to lighten her burden on the Lord's Day so that she, too, can rest and benefit from what God has ordained for her good? Are you providing the backbone for discipline in your home so that your wife's word is obeyed by the children? Are you encouraging her in her roles as wife, mother and teacher?

Again, the husband who loves his wife as Christ loves the Church should be able to answer “yes” to such questions. Lest I be misunderstood, I'm not saying that the husband's duty ends with removing obstacles for his wife's spiritual development; his duty includes taking an active role by teaching her himself. Husband, are you your wife's primary spiritual instructor? Does she feel comfortable in coming to you with questions about the faith? Does she see in you a man who is her loving and loyal servant as Christ was a loving and loyal servant to His Bride? Does she know that she is precious to you? Does she know that you would never choose to live without her? Is she at ease under your headship? What are your sons learning about love from your example? Are your daughters being made wise by your example so that they will be well prepared when a young man's attention is turned to them?

Answering all of these questions is not an easy task because it requires taking an honest, penetrating look at yourself in the light of the Savior's example. When this is done, your faults show up quickly. But, isn't it better to have your faults exposed and corrected than to continue through life failing to care for your dear wife as God intends? Isn't it better to hang your head now and determine to do better, than to pretend that things are fine? As the husband, you have been appointed as your wife's head. She depends on you and she must depend on you due to the nature of marriage as designed by God. Be a man and assess your performance and then do whatever is necessary to change. If necessary, find someone to help you, find someone to instruct you so you can become the leader in your home. Seek God's aid in fulfilling the duties that He has placed on your shoulders. There's no surer thing to pray for than what you already know is God's will.

Conclusion

The instruction from Paul to both wives and husbands is clear. Whatever our role in the marriage, we find an example to follow in the Christ-Church model. In our marriages, as in every area of our existence, we look to Christ for help and we look to Christ for a perfect pattern to imitate. Now, as we receive these elements, we will be nourished in our souls and we will give thanks to Him for saving us and for showing us how we can live in peace with one another.