The Foundations of the Faith

Studies in Genesis 1-11

Sermon Number Fifteen: The Doctrine of Marriage (part 5)

Jim Bordwine, Th.D.

Introduction

In the last sermon, we considered the first issue related to the parent-child relationship, which is the covenantal aspect. We saw that the spiritual status of parents has implications for the spiritual status of children. The manner in which God has chosen to bring redemption to the human race makes this truth necessary. Also, we learned that God has obligated Himself to the descendants of believers. God includes our children in His plan of redemption.

Now we are ready to answer these questions: What is the chief duty of parents? What is the chief duty of children? Notice that I said “chief” duty in both cases. There are aspects of the parent-child relationship with I will not cover in this sermon, so the fact that I don’t mention a particular element in this relationship should not be interpreted as a denial of its importance. My aim is to provide a basic idea of how parents and children relate to one another within the context of the institution of marriage. Just as husbands and wives must know and fill their respective roles in a marriage in order for the marriage to operate smoothly, so must parents and children know and fill their respective roles in the family for the family to enjoy peace.

02. The Development of the Doctrine (continuted)

According to Scripture, what is the chief duty of parents? If we were to summarize what the Bible teaches about the duty of parents toward children, which word or concept would serve us best? I’m going to depend on the book of Proverbs to provide answers. The book of Proverbs contains far more commentary on the parent-child relationship than any other book or combination of books in the whole Bible. Proverbs addresses the parent-child relationship from all possible perspectives. A father’s perspective, a mother’s perspective and a child’s perspective all are mentioned in this book. Let me say that while Proverbs is composed primarily of a father’s words to his son, what is taught is applicable to fathers, mothers, sons and daughters. And what becomes clear is that the chief duty of a parent is to educate the child according to God’s Word so that the child can avoid the pitfalls of sin and serve his Creator in an honorable fashion.

At the heart of what Proverbs teaches about parental duty is the glory of God and the welfare of the child. Both of these ideas must be kept in mind as we study these verses because of the trend in our culture toward non-authoritarianism in the family. Both parents and children need to know that love for God and love for the child form the basis for the teaching of Proverbs. Knowing this is what will make a parent diligent in the application of the wisdom of Proverbs; and it is what will make the child submissive to the wisdom of Proverbs.

Before considering a few verses, I would note with interest that daughters are mentioned only twice in the book of Proverbs (Pro. 30:15 and 31:29) and neither verse has anything to do with the parent-child relationship. Daughters, I’m sure, would like to conclude that this indicates that sons need instructions far more than daughters and I think there is some truth to this. The reason why daughters are not mentioned in this section of Scripture is because sons grow up to be men and men, generally speaking, set the moral toneæeither actively or passivelyæfor home and society. And I would add, by way of a personal observation for which I think there is abundant Biblical and historical evidence, human depravity tends to find quicker and more excessive manifestation in males than females.

As I stated, the chief duty of parents, according to Proverbs, is to educate the child according to God’s Word so that the child can avoid the pitfalls of sin and serve his Creator in an honorable fashion. There are various elements involved in the education that a parent is supposed to give to a child. The first element in the education provided by a parent could be classified as the general wisdom that is necessary for living:

My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments; for length of days and years of life, and peace they will add to you. (3:1, 2)

Hear, O sons, the instruction of a father, and give attention that you may gain understanding, for I give you sound teaching; do not abandon my instruction. (4:1, 2)

My son, observe the commandment of your father, and do not forsake the teaching of your mother; bind them continually on your heart; tie them around your neck. When you walk about, they will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk to you. (6:20-22)

It is common for the writer of Proverbs to make an appeal to his reader underscoring the importance of the advice being given. In these verses, the writer urges his son to listen, remember and observe his commandments. Such exhortations are used interchangeably throughout this book. In the Hebrew mind, listening, remembering and observing are basically the same thing or, we might say, components of a single thing.

Listening to or remembering a command implies the keeping of the command. Notice, too, the use of contrasts in all three passages. For example, in 3:1, 2, the author says: “Do not forget... but keep my commandments.” Two ideas are set in opposition to one another to demonstrate clearly that the father wants his son to live according to what he is being taught. He wants more than a polite hearing from his son, he wants the son to incorporate these instructions into his life—this, of course, is true obedience.

In the first example, the writer speaks of “my commandments”; in the second example, he refers to “the instruction of a father”; and in the third passage, he speaks of “the commandment of your father” and “the teaching of your mother.” This emphasis implies something which I already stated, namely, that the parent is the primary educator of the child. It is the parent’s duty to impart to the child a system of morality. Be assured that the child will develop a system of morality in life and God’s way is for that system of belief to be handed down from parent to child. If this is not done, then the child becomes easy prey for all kinds of ungodly ideas and practices. The child is supposed to look to the parent to learn a system of morality.

Notice, too, that these passages illustrate that the instruction of the parent is wide-ranging. Before the child establishes his own presence in the world, he is supposed to have learned about life from his parents. They should equip the child with a moral foundation before the child leaves their care. The benefits of such instructions are mentioned by the writer. The child who, having been trained in morality at the foot of the parent, lives according to what he has been taught is promised “length of days and years of life and peace”; and he is promised “understanding,” by which the writer means discernment when facing the many issues in life.

The third passage, 6:20-22, gives the most complete description of the benefits that are in store for the child who receives his moral training from the parents. The parents’ teaching, which according to Proverbs is simply the Word of God explained and applied, “guides” the child, “watches over” the child and “talks” to the child. What is meant is that the moral training which a parent gives to a child is comprehensive so that it touches every area of life and will, in later years, come to serve the child in a variety of ways and circumstances.

A second element in the education provided by a parent is related to companions and specific moral issues:

Do not enter the path of the wicked, and do not proceed in the way of evil men. Avoid it, do not pass by it; turn away from it and pass on. (4:14, 15)

My son, fear the LORD and the king; do not associate with those who are given to change; for their calamity will rise suddenly, and who knows the ruin that comes from both of them? (24:21, 22)

At this point, I want to emphasize something: A recurring theme in the book of Proverbs is the threat represented in wicked companions. The writer of Proverbs makes this very point in numerous places, including the two passages above. He is aware of the influence exerted by one’s peers, especially upon an impressionable mind, which aptly describes the minds of children who have yet to set out on their own in the world. This awareness leads the writer to give some of his most stern warnings on the subject of his son’s associations.

The writer resolutely commands his son not to enter “the path of wicked.” And he does more than that; he also urges his son to “avoid” and “turn away from” the way of evil men. The obedient son, therefore, would do two things: first, he would not participate in sin if he found himself in a situation where he must choose; second, he would avoid being put in a position where he must choose not to participate in sin. In other words, the father is telling his son to live in a manner which minimizes the instances of temptation.

Lest we get the idea that this father was concerned only about openly evil companions, he adds, in the second passage: “Do not associate with those who are given to change.” In this case, the father has in mind a person marked by indecisiveness and unreliability. This kind of person can have a negative influence on a child, too. A person “given to change” cannot be relied upon to keep his word or carry through with tasks; he certainly will not be a person with a long-range view of life, which is commended in Scripture. These are not characteristics that this father wanted his son to emulate.

What all this means is that parents have the responsibility to guard their children’s choice of companions and this responsibility exists, I would imagine, well into the teenage years. As long as a child is still formulating his system of morality and as long as he is still in the impressionable years as far as his ambitions are concerned, the parent must protect the child from bad influences. Parents should be cautious about the socialization of their children because of the great threat represented by immoral and undependable people. If this were not such an important issue, if bad company were not such a threat to a child’s overall well-being, then the writer of Proverbs would not have spoken so strongly.

I mentioned that this aspect of the education which a parent gives a child involves specific moral issues. I mean that the parent is to have more than a general concern about a child’s companions. When appropriate and where necessary, the parent should be just as clear as possible regarding a perceived threat. Take, for example, this statement:

My son, give attention to my wisdom, incline your ear to my understanding; that you may observe discretion, and your lips may reserve knowledge. For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and smoother than oil is her speech; but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. (5:1-4)

Obviously, this passage illustrates that a parent’s training of a child should include such explicit elements. Sexual purity is another area that is mentioned on several occasions in the book of Proverbs. I call attention to this subject only because I know it is comparatively easy for parents to express a general concern for a child’s companions and social development, but much more difficult to deal with such a personal topic. The responsibility, once again, however, rests with parents, particularly, as Proverbs shows, with the father.

A third matter that makes up the education provided by a parent has to do with reproof. A portion of a child’s education is made up of principles, observations and warnings which are related by the parent; but another portion of the education has to do with the correction of wrongful behavior:

My son, do not reject the discipline of the LORD, or loathe His reproof, for whom the LORD loves He reproves, even as a father, the son in whom he delights. (3:11, 12)

He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently. (13:24)

Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him. (22:15)

The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother. (29:15)

As I look at these verses, I see six principles which should be emphasized. The first principle, and I think the most important, has to do with the ideas contained in two words, “reproof ” and “discipline.” The word “reproof ” comes from a term (yakach) which means “decide, judge, rebuke, reprove, correct.” This word is definitely judicial in nature; that is, it involves the judgment of behavior by one with authority. This is the term used when God brings charges against rebellious Israel, for example. In the context of Proverbs, this word implies the exposure of sin and an accompanying call to repentance.

The word translated “discipline” in 3:11, 13:24 and 22:15 comes from a Hebrew term (yacar) which means “chasten, correct, instruct, admonish.” What is most informative about this word is the fact that it emphasizes correction which results in education. While a parent’s reproof of a child should involve the exposure of sin and a call to repentance, a parent’s correction of a child also should be educational. These two words imply that the method of discipline may take more than one form, but whatever the form of correction, the goal is not simply the discipline itself; the goal is the reformation of the child and this reformation requires communication.

A second principle is that a parent’s reproof of a child is patterned after God’s behavior. It is right to criticize and correct behavior which is judged unacceptable by Biblical standards. Such correction is based upon God’s command and God’s example. No proof will ever be found, therefore, that the correction of children harms them. Morality is a matter of rights and wrongs, not “maybes.” The character of God dictates a standard of righteousness and it is this standard which God enforces and it is this standard which parents must enforce if they desire to deliver their children from a lifetime of misery.

Related to this idea is a third principle: reproof for wrongful behavior is evidence of a parent’s love for the child. As I said earlier, at the heart of what Proverbs teaches about parental duty is the glory of God and love for the child. Our mixed-up world may be convinced that love means never having to say “don’t do that,” but our Creator tells us that true love expresses itself in action designed to correct false opinion and modify sinful behavior. The parent who reproves the child must presuppose that there is an unchanging standard of righteousness and that there are consequences for violations of this standard. It is these consequences which the parent wishes to see the child avoid and the parent feels this way because the parent loves the child; and because of this love, the parent will consistently monitor the child’s behavior.

The fourth principle which we learn is that discipline is necessitated by the child’s nature: “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child...” Foolishness in the book of Proverbs is thinking and behavior which are contrary to God’s revelation. This phrase, then, means that a child is, by nature, predisposed to unrighteousness. Every human being comes into this world with a fallen nature. Should a parent ignore this fact and hope for the best? The writer says that “the rod of discipline will remove [foolishness] far from [the child].” Consistent, loving reproof is mandatory if, in fact, the parent wishes to deliver the child from the consequences of sin. Admittedly, the administration of discipline can be a trying experience; but if we consider the consequences of not disciplining a child and understand that these consequences extend into the next life, then the momentary burden of reproof seems insignificant by comparison.

A fifth principle is that diligent reproof is a sure remedy for unrighteous attitudes and behavior. In fact, this is the only remedy given in the book of Proverbs! The writer understands the nature of God and the fallen nature of man; he faithfully presents, therefore, the Creator’s instructions so that a child’s disposition can be corrected and the child can live in peace with God. This principle, of course, challenges some methods of dealing with disobedience which are popular today. Notice that the writer doesn’t suggest that the parent plead with the child to obey or threaten a “time-out.” This doesn’t mean that children cannot be talked to, but it does mean that God has specified a method of dealing with childish misbehavior in which the parent acts as a judge who determines the transgression and the consequences of the transgression.

The sixth principle to be gleaned from this element of reproof is that there are, as I’ve indicated, negative consequences for not discipling children. The writer says that “a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.” A child who, in the absence of consistent correction, is allowed to give expression to his nature will, undoubtedly, bring grief to his parents. This principle is so universally recognizable that I hardly need to emphasize it. This writer gives parents more than sufficient warning about what is in store if they choose not to discipline their children. Not only with the parent suffer, but the child will suffer as well.

We are considering the elements which comprise the education which parents provide for a child. We seen that parents provide general wisdom that is necessary for life; we’ve seen that parents provide instruction related to companions and specific moral issues; and we’ve just covered the fact that parents are to provide reproof and we extracted six principles related to reproof. Now, we are ready to notice one more element, a fourth element which is purely spiritual in nature. What I mean is that while all that a parent teaches a child is related to morality, some of what a parent teaches bears directly upon the child’s relationship with God. For example:

My son, if you will receive my sayings, and treasure my commandments within you, make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your heart to understanding; for if you cry for discernment, lift your voice for understanding; if you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will discern the fear of the LORD, and discover the knowledge of God. (2:1-5)

While it is a parent’s responsibility to train the child in all aspects of life, it is a parent’s unique responsibility and privilege to teach the child about God. Notice the direct connection drawn by the writer between a parent’s instruction and a child’s knowledge of God. It is only natural, given the structure and operation of a family, for a child to learn his most basic beliefs from his parents. In the first few years, the child has practically no other source feeding him knowledge and practically no other figure interpreting his world for him. Children are naturally curious about all aspects of life. Children look up into the faces of their parents and ask wonderful questions about right and wrong, about life and death and about God; and then they wait expectantly for answers.

This is why, of course, there is such an emphasis on parental training in the book of Proverbs. Values, beliefs and patterns for life are, generally speaking, established during childhood. Parents must commit themselves to communicating truth to their children; this means that they have to know God’s Word themselves. The parent who embraces the teaching of Proverbs can have the joy of imparting to the child knowledge that not only will take the child through this life, but guide him into the next.

In light of all that I’ve said thus far, I now come to the matter of the duty of children. What is the chief duty of children in the parent-child relationship? I won’t need nearly as much time to answer this question. Few should be wondering about the primary duty of children. The Fifth Commandment speaks to this issue specifically: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you.” (Ex. 20:12) Two matters should be mentioned in relation to the Fifth Commandment. The first has to do with the meaning of the word “honor.” The Hebrew word, which is translated “honor” (kabad), is a form of a term that literally means “to be weighty.” This term is most often used figuratively to describe a distinguished individual, someone who is impressive or worthy of respect.

When this term is used to specify how a child is to relate to the parent, it implies that the parent has responsibility for and authority over the child. The child’s duty is to recognize this arrangement and act accordingly; in other words, the child’s duty is to respect and obey the parent. Honor is not simply an internal disposition held by the child toward the parent. Honor, as indicated by this Hebrew word, must manifest itself and that manifestation is seen in the child’s attitude toward the parent and in the child’s response to the will of the parent.

The second matter that I want to mention is God’s promise of blessing for obedience to this Commandment: “...that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you.” This seems to be a broadly applicable blessing. It implies good health, peace with one’s enemies, prosperity and contentment—just to name a few benefits. The point is that honoring parents as I’ve described is what God desires and when we live according to God’s will, we experience many wonderful advantages. The situation in which parents are respected and obeyed by their children is a natural situation.

We might describe this duty as Paul does in Eph. 6:1: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” The apostle then quotes the Fifth Commandment. Our culture is becoming unaccustomed to such arguments, but Paul’s reasoning is valid. Why should children honor their parents? Simply because it is right, Paul states. And, of course, it is right because the One Who establishes the standard of right says so. The fact that God commands the honoring of parents is enough of an answer to any pious person who wonders about the parent-child relationship. It’s only when we start looking for reasons other than the will of God that we become confused.

I will close this portion of the sermon by offering two brief observations to children regarding their duty to honor their parents. First, this duty is not a matter of feelings or desire. That is, you don’t have to want to honor your parents before God holds you responsible. You don’t have to agree with your parents regarding their general philosophy of parenting or their handling of specific issues. Your duty, once again, is simple; your duty is to honor your parents as the God-appointed authorities in your life at this time.

Second, the time that you spend under the authority of your parents represents an extraordinary opportunity for you to mature in the faith. There is nothing like being under authority to teach self-discipline, self-control and submission to God’s providence. The nature of the parent-child relationship is such that children must live under circumstances not of their own making; they must learn to trust others and, most importantly, trust the wisdom of God which created the relationship. Moreover, the parent-child relationship provides children with an environment in which they can learn to be patient and develop a long-range perspective on life.

03. The Application of the Doctrine

In the application, I want to say a few words about an earlier statement. I said that at the heart of what Proverbs teaches about parental duty is the glory of God and the welfare of the child. In so many areas in life, why we do something and what we hope to accomplish are dominating factors; and so it should be in parenting. Effective parenting requires that these two elements, God’s glory and the child’s welfare, be ever present in the mind of the all parties involved. Why does a parent correct a child? A parent corrects a child because he knows that there is an unwavering standard of right and wrong to which that child must conform; and that unwavering standard is representative of the character of God. So a parent who corrects behavior that is contrary to that standard does so because he has regard for God and because he knows that violation of that standard will bring misery upon the child. Therefore, his desire to honor God and his love for the child mandate correction and are inseparably linked.

Far from being unkind or cruel, the correction of children is an expression of love for both God and the child. The parent who believes that our Creator knows what is best for us will learn about parenting from the book of Proverbs; and the parent who wants to deliver his child from the consequences of a fallen nature will practice reproof. This parent will start early in life training the child to know the difference between right and wrong, training the child to recognize and respond to authority and thereby prepare the child to live a productive and peaceful life.

This kind of parenting is going to be marked by certain characteristics. I’ll list four of the most obvious qualities of a Proverbs-style approach to parenting. First, I would call attention to the writer’s patience. Notice that the writer never speaks with an intolerant tone; he understands that the fallen nature of the child will require much attention. This perspective keeps the parent from falling into despair when a child passes through an extended or intensified period of disobedience. I should point out that in most cases, the writer of Proverbs appears to be speaking to a son who is entering adulthood. Presumably, that son still had much to learn and the father was continuing to teach him patiently.

Second, the characteristic of kindness comes out in the writer’s remarks. As you read through this book, you are struck by the compassionate tone. The writer’s love for his son is an unmistakable feature. Again and again this father expresses his counsel in terms that would land softly upon the ears of his son. He speaks with authority, yes, but he speaks in such a manner as to be heard.

Third, the words of Proverbs are marked by consistency. This is, undoubtedly, one of the most essential characteristics. While this father speaks tenderly to his son and leaves no misunderstanding about his love for the boy, there is, at the same time, no mistaking this father’s philosophy of discipline. He communicates one, consistent message throughout this book and that is the supremacy of God’s Word. He is clear about the blessings of conformity to that Word and the consequences of transgressing that Word. All related circumstances, such as the child’s disposition and his social environment, are subordinated to the law of God which constitutes the only standard for life. While sensing his father’s love and compassion, the son addressed in Proverbs would never wonder about what stand his father took on moral issues.

The fourth characteristic is confidence. Unless we make a point of noticing it, it might be easy to overlook the absolute confidence that this father has in the world and life view which he is imparting to his son. His confidence comes from the fact that the standard he is establishing in his son’s heart is God’s own law. The parent who is committed to a Proverbs-style of training doesn’t have to wrestle with the latest findings of some committee or institution.

I’ll close with a brief word for children. Regardless of your age, please take note of that three-fold pattern which I mentioned previously: listen, remember and observe. This sums up your duty as one under the authority of parents. While your parents are bound to instruct you and discipline you according to the truths we have seen—and bound, as well, to make changes in their approach if they are not conducting themselves according to these truths—your concern should be with your responsibility to listen to what your parents teach, to remember their instructions by meditating upon their words and to observe or obey their words when you find yourself in a situation in which what you have been taught applies.

The Bible does not give you the option of rejecting what you are taught simply because you don’t like what you’ve been taught or because what you’ve been taught might “cramp your style.” You are a sinner and every word of instruction in righteousness, every warning about bad habits and questionable associations is going to cramp your style. Get used to it. It’s called sanctification.

There is so much more in the book of Proverbs related to the parent-child relationship. I’ve only touched upon this wonderful resource. I would, therefore, heartily commend to you the study of the book of Proverbs. It is a book that needs to be read again and again in the hearing of all family members.

Conclusion