The Prison Epistles
Sermon Forty-six
Colossians 3:18-4:18
Final Exhortations
(part 2)
Jim Bordwine, Th.D.
Introduction
I’ve learned many lessons during my life. One of those lessons can be summed up like this: just because something sounds simple, doesn’t mean it is. Most men can relate to this. You don’t have to buy too many products with the words “some assembly required” printed on the box before you learn the lesson that just because it sounds simple doesn’t mean it is. My problem, and I’d guess I’m not the only one with this perspective, is that I despise having to read directions. I’d much rather spread out all the parts on the floor or on a table and figure out how they all fit together. More than once in my life, I have to admit, I’ve had parts left over after assembling some device. Sometimes that doesn’t really matter; sometimes, such as when you look at the extra part and you don’t really know what it is, it does matter. The solution I prefer by far, of course, is paying the price the store charges to assemble the product for you.
On a more serious note, what about relationships? There are a lot of folks walking around thinking they know how to make relationships work; they think they don’t need instruction. After all, they say, how difficult can it be? Consequently, there are a lot of relationships in need of help in this world; there are a lot of relationships in which someone is failing to learn the proper way to behave and so that relationship is uneasy or in serious trouble. Nowhere do we observe this truth more obviously than in marriages. Often, women and especially men, assume they can “wing it” and learn as they go what contributes to a stable, productive marriage.
This is true for Christians just as it is true for non-Christians. Believers can be just as dense as anyone else when it comes to understanding roles in marriage. And that is in spite of the fact that we say we depend on the Word of God for our beliefs and practices. Too many of us are ignorant of what the Bible teaches concerning the roles of wives and husbands; and some of us assume we don’t need instruction. That is because we are, by nature, self-centered, selfish, and way too confident of our abilities to discern the dynamics of a good marriage.
Wherever you see yourself when it comes to marriage—whether you believe you really understand what God expects of you, as a wife, or what God requires of you, as a husband, I dare say you could improve, at least a little. And if you are not married but anticipate being married some day, then this issue is still important for and definitely important for your future mate—the more you learn now, the less you will have to learn later when you find yourself in a marriage and realize that just because it sounded simple, doesn’t mean it is.
This is where our current examination of Paul’s prison epistles can help us. We are looking at letters the apostle wrote to churches while he was imprisoned in Rome. He addresses all kinds of issues, from the eternal predestination of God’s elect to the incarnation of the Son of God, from his own struggles with those who opposed the gospel to various human relationships, including marriage. Presently, we are studying the last portion of Paul’s letter to the Colossian saints where, as just indicated, he is writing about relationships. These words about relationships come in the closing section of this epistle, which begins in chapter 3, verse 18, and extends to the end of the letter.
We have been considering the first part of that final series of exhortations in which Paul addresses specific segments of this congregation—wives, husbands, fathers, children, slaves, and masters. Our text, therefore, is 3:18-4:1:
3:18 Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them. 20 Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart. 22 Slaves, in all things obey those who are your masters on earth, not with external service, as those who merely please men, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve. 25 For he who does wrong will receive the consequences of the wrong which he has done, and that without partiality. 4:1 Masters, grant to your slaves justice and fairness, knowing that you too have a Master in heaven.
We’ve already examined what Paul has to say to wives. This morning, we want to concentrate on Paul’s command to husbands: “Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.”
02. Paul’s exhortation to husbands (3:19)
I’ve always been struck by what the apostle says to husbands when he chooses to address them in his epistles. Twice in Eph. 5, that lengthy passage where Paul instructs us regarding how a marriage is supposed to function, he uses the word “love” when specifying a husband’s primary duty toward his wife. Here, in v. 19, he does the same thing. In this particular case, the apostle is summing up the essence of the husband’s duty and, as I said in a previous sermon when introducing this passage, the aspect of the husband’s calling that is probably most difficult for him to fulfill.
Now, you might object and say: “Wait a minute, loving my wife as I’m commanded is easy, it isn’t the most difficult aspect of my calling as a husband.” I would reply: “Don’t be too quick to make such an assertion.” Remember, just because it sounds simple, doesn’t mean it is. It is my opinion, having been a husband for over twenty-five years and having observed many marriages as a pastor during that same time, that most husbands do not love their wives as the Scriptures teach. Most certainly love their wives as love would be defined by many people—that is, as a deep affection. That certainly is part of what it means to love your wife from a Biblical standpoint, but that is definitely not the main element of the relationship a husband is supposed to have with his wife.
The kind of love Paul is speaking of is best defined in that passage I just mentioned, Eph. 5. That is where we are given an extended lesson in what the love a husband has for his wife is supposed to look like. We studied that passage some time back as we were working through the book of Ephesians; in fact, we considered that important passage in May of last year, so a quick review is probably in order so that we fully comprehend what Paul means in our present text.
Let me read to you the pertinent section from Eph. 5:
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
Immediately, as soon as you read these verses, one thing becomes undeniably clear: Paul teaches that the husband is to focus on the well-being of his wife. That is his job, that is the essence of what a husband is called to do. Paul uses that word “love” to sum up how a husband is to think and act. The husband’s ultimate concern in life, in terms of his calling in that role, is the character and spiritual condition of his wife.
Notice that Paul employs a model as he speaks to husbands and this model is the key to being able to hear what he has to say and apply it in your life. The model I’m referring to is that of the relationship between Christ and the Church. He is using the relationship between Jesus Christ and the Church as a model for marriage. Analogically speaking, the husband relates to his wife as Christ relates to His Church.
Quickly, therefore, we can dismiss the notion that a husband’s chief end is to achieve his own comfort. The calling of a husband is one involving the nurture of his wife. One of the leading implications of this approach, therefore, is this: If I understand how Christ relates to the Church, then I will understand how husbands are supposed to relate to wives. Knowing this does not automatically produce perfect marriages, but knowing this is a prerequisite for a good marriage.
To put it simply, I might ask this question: How does a husband learn how to be a husband? Since Paul uses the Christ-Church model, the answer is easily found. A man learns how to be a husband by studying the relationship between Christ and the Church. He cannot simply hear about that relationship a few times in his life and think he “gets it.” He must study the Scriptures and take note of how the Savior cares for His Bride. When husbands realize that loving their wives as God intends requires the study of the Word, then they are on the right track. But the husband who thinks loving his wife “comes naturally” or “just happens” is a fool and he will have an unhappy wife.
The simplicity of this model is what makes it so useful. For our marriages, we need only look to our redemption and there we find the perfect example of the wife and husband relationship. Christ serves as Head of the Church and the Church exists as His Body at all times. So, when Paul says the husband’s role is like that of Christ to the Church, what is popular or fashionable has nothing to do with the duty given to believers. In summary, then, we have the perfect illustration of marriage displayed right before our eyes in the relationship we have with our Savior. The Christ-Church model is incredibly helpful to us as we seek to understand our respective roles. But I must emphasize that just as this model is helpful because it provides us with a simple, easily discerned pattern for our marriages, so it also, at the same time, provides many sobering implications regarding how we function as husbands.
When you hear Paul’s words, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her …” in Eph. 5:25, the main point that Paul is making has to do with the way in which the Savior gave Himself for the benefit of the Church. This is where the essence of a husband’s love for his wife is located; it has to do with selflessness as a man lives out his days as a husband. Christ’s example allows no “chest-thumping” by the husband as if his wife needs to be reminded of how blessed she is to have him. On the contrary, the example of the Savior points us to one conclusion and that is a life characterized by humility and self-sacrifice. This does not imply weakness or uncertainty; again, on the contrary, the example of Christ implies resolution to do what needs to be done for the good of another and it implies confidence in the holy purposes of God and it implies strength demonstrated in perseverance and faithfulness.
Now, how quick should any husband be to respond as I suggested before by saying: “Wait a minute, loving my wife as I’m commanded is easy”? This is not an “easy” calling because it requires a man to be what he is not by nature; it requires him to set self aside and live for another. When Paul writes in our text “husbands, love your wives,” he is commanding us to be like Christ to our wives. That goal is not reached by having a high-paying job or a large home or any of the other marks of success the world applies to men; it is reached by humbling yourself so that you delight yourself in your wife’s spiritual prosperity. I maintain, therefore, that what Paul is commanding husbands is the essence of what it means to be a husband; and it is no easy responsibility that is laid upon our shoulders.
I realize that some men might ask, if not out loud then in their own hearts: “Does Paul really expect us to love our wives as Christ loves His Bride? Aren’t we sinners whose efforts will always be imperfect?” The answer is “yes,” Paul—more importantly, Christ—expects you to love your wife according to the pattern given by the Savior. And yes, we are sinners whose efforts will always fall short, but brothers this does not excuse us from our calling, nor does it allow us to minimize our failures. The fact that we are sinners only means we will struggle with this duty, it doesn’t mean we won’t ever succeed, nor does it mean we might as well not even try.
You cannot name any duty where you have a perfect record. Every duty we have is genuine, though it is bound to be marred by our sin. That doesn’t mean we simply live like pagans. And in your marriage, men, your inevitable failure and the fact that you will never do this perfectly is no excuse for you to leave your wife without her God-appointed loving head. And that is the ultimate sin in terms of what Paul is speaking of here. The ultimate transgression is never to attempt to be what God calls you to be or to give up trying to be what God says you are.
And I want to repeat something I said last year when we were looking at the Eph. 5 passage: The love you are supposed to demonstrate to your wife is not of an arbitrary kind. You do not get to define what love is in the marriage relationship! You have a pattern to follow and it is one explained on the pages of Scripture—“just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her…” There is the key. What kind of love is Paul talking about? It is love that sacrifices self for the good of another. That is what Christ demonstrated toward His Bride and we know He loves us because of what He did—not just because of what He said, but mainly because of what He did. That is the character of the love a husband is supposed to show his wife.
In how many marriages, however, do you think you would find a husband who is chiefly concerned, not with his own comfort and desires, but with his wife’s spiritual prosperity? In how many marriages do you think you would discover a relationship in which the man is living his life in a way that is primarily for the benefit of his wife? How many wives do you think would be able to step forward and say that they believe their husband is making an honest and ongoing attempt to love them as Christ loves the Church?
Also, as I’ve said often over the years when covering this topic in one form or another, loving your wife in the way Paul envisions means more than that you are willing to die for your wife; it means something more difficult. It means that you are willing to live for her. It means you are willing to structure your life so that your wife feels secure, cared for, loved—and you do this while you lead her and as you make decisions for your home and as you map out the course of your life together.
The second part of Paul’s command to husbands is: “do not be embittered against them [i.e., your wife].” First, Paul gives us a positive command, “husbands love your wives,” and then he gives us a prohibition, “and do not be embittered against them.” When you take the time to analyze how men operate, Paul’s prohibition isn’t odd at all. In explaining this phrase, let me say that the word translated “embittered” (pikraino) means, basically, “to be irritated.” Paul happens to use a present middle imperative, which may not sound significant to you, but it does affect the way we interpret his words. A present middle imperative means the phrase could be rendered “stop being irritated” or “don’t have the habit of being irritated.”
The great Greek scholar A. T. Robertson summarizes this probation in the simplest fashion when, after commenting on the grammar Paul uses, says pointedly: “This is the sin of husbands.” I read that statement and, believing Robertson to be among the most capable commentators of all time, I pondered what he meant when he said “bitterness” or “irritation” is the sin of husbands. So, I decided to explore this idea a bit.
It turns out that the root of the word Paul uses in our text is pikros, which literally means “to be pointed or sharp.” Figuratively, this term refers to being harsh or sarcastic. And, further, it turns out that commentator after commentator said basically the same thing: this is a vulnerability in men. Men, when they make an attempt to meet the responsibility God has given them in a marriage, tend to be overbearing or harsh; and that tendency, which is in us because we are fallen creatures, is kept in check by the first part of Paul’s command: “Husbands, love your wives.” And, as we now know, he means love your wife as Christ loves the Church. When this pattern is followed, when a husband honestly attempts to relate to his wife as Christ relates to the Church, then the harshness that might come naturally to most men will be minimized.
Of particular interest to me were the words of a Wesleyan theologian, Joseph Beet. Writing about Col. 3:19 and that word translated “embittered,” he said: “Similar words in all languages denote acute unpleasantness of word, demeanor, or thought. The stronger party, having nothing to fear from the weaker, is frequently in danger of acting or speaking harshly. To refrain from such harshness, even towards those we love, is sometimes, amid the irritations of life, no easy task. But it is binding upon the Christian (husband).” I think he has well summarized precisely the issue Paul was concerned with when he wrote to the Colossian Christians. It is difficult for a man to be aware of the authority God has given husbands in the marriage and, at the same time, exercise that authority in a manner that is Christ-like, meaning without angry words or hard looks or humiliating comments directed toward our wives.
And not only do husbands have to guard against this tendency to be harsh or irritable, they also have to be careful about making the wife the scapegoat for their failures. This, too, I think is bound up in Paul’s command and is a common element in many marriages. It’s an odd but true observation: sometimes, when a man begins to realize the true nature of his calling as a husband, he gets a little grumpy because what he is learning is going to require some significant changes in his behavior if he wishes to do what the Scripture says. The wife, regrettably, is the most logical person to bear the brunt of the husband’s irritation—as if she is the one who ordained the relationship in which the husband is called to love his wife as Christ loves the Church.
Application
As I close, I want to say a couple of things to husbands. First, husbands, what is your goal in your capacity as a husband? What are you trying to achieve? What do you want to establish as your legacy as a husband? One day, you will leave this world and there will be memories of your left behind. If you are married, much of how you are remembered by your wife and children and grandchildren will stem directly from your role as a husband.
I don’t normally talk about movies in my sermons, but I want to mention one that I ran across recently. It’s called The Final Cut and it is a story set in the future when the technology exists to implant a device in a human being before birth that records everything that person sees, hears, or does. What that person dies, as the movie portrayed, the device is retrieved and a compilation of that life is assembled to be viewed by those left behind. In this film, the main character is called a “cutter.” It was his job to go through the recording and splice together the good scenes that would comfort the mourners. Much of the movie, therefore, is about this character’s struggle with what he learns about people—what they really were like, what they really did. One of the messages in this movie is that just about everything we do has consequences and affects others around us.
I’m thankful that such technology does not exist. But I realize, at the same time, that God observes everything I say and do. And I know that I’m leaving behind a legacy as a father. And knowing that, you can believe I am thankful for His mercy. I am thankful for His forgiveness. I am thankful for the fact that He overrules my failures and allows me to continue my attempts to learn and improve as a husband.
So men, my purpose today is not simply to berate you; my purpose is to encourage you. I want to encourage you to commit yourself to being the kind of husband God calls you to be. For some, that will mean dramatic changes in the way your think and act. It will mean a reorientation of your life so that you stop living for yourself and start living for your wife. For others, it will mean less dramatic changes. Whatever the case, make the commitment right now to being a Godly husband. Study the Scriptures and seek the advice and prayers of men who are worthy of imitation in this area. Make the commitment right now to love your wife in the manner specified by God; and make the commitment right now to guard yourself against being harsh or overbearing toward your wife. If necessary, repent. But by all means, do not ignore what the Word teaches.
Let’s pray …
Conclusion
As Christians, we have hope. We thrive on hope. Our hope has different facets and one of those is the hope of God’s forgiveness and enablement when it comes to our most basic duties. This sacrament stands as a reminder that our hope is not empty, but is grounded in the work of our Savior. Because He gave himself for us, we know we have His help in understanding the life we are called to live, and we know we have His help in actually living a life that is honorable.
Today, I’ve spoken of the call of husbands. But whatever your standing before God, be encouraged by this sacrament. It declares that you have a Savior, that your sins are forgiven, and that you do have God’s help in correcting wrongs in your life so that you might live and serve for His glory.
The Scripture says:
While they were eating, Jesus took some bread, and after a blessing, He broke it and gave it to the disciples, and said, “Take, eat; this is My body.” And when He had taken a cup and given thanks, He gave it to them, saying, “Drink from it, all of you; for this is My blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for forgiveness of sins. (Matt. 26:26-28)