Prison Epistles

The Prison Epistles

Sermon Forty-eight

Colossians 3:18-4:18

Final Exhortations

(part 4)

Jim Bordwine, Th.D.

Introduction

Suppose you wished to destroy or at least severely undermine the institution of the family—how would you go about it? The most effective way to harm any institution or structured entity is not to attack directly, but to work subtlety so that you slowly erode confidence in the institution itself and in whoever or whatever stands at the head of that institution. That is precisely what our adversary, the devil, has done to the family; and this is exactly the formula we find him following in Scripture. Satan undermines authority. He did it in Eden when he spoke to Eve, the one under authority, instead of Adam, the one with authority. He even followed this pattern when he confronted Jesus in the wilderness. At that point, Jesus was being tested regarding His loyalty to the Father who sent Him to be our Redeemer. And what did Satan do? He tried to get Jesus, the One under authority, to act in His own interest instead of remaining true to what the Father had willed.

As far as the family is concerned, our enemy has done a thorough job of weakening that institution—that most essential of all institutions. The family is the central relationship from which comes every other significant institution. And, true to the pattern I just described, Satan has worked to destabilize the primary figure in the family and that is the father. He has done this by lying to mankind about happiness and contentment and fulfillment of purpose. So, in many places in this world, women are not taught about the high calling of being a wife and mother; instead, they are taught that, if they have a choice, they will be much happier, more content, and find a greater degree of fulfillment in some other pursuit. And children are taught by just about everything they encounter in society that they are individuals with rights and that they should not be overly restrained in pursuit of whatever it is that makes them happy.

And who now stands around with a bewildered look on his face as the institution of the family crumbles? It’s the father, the participant in the family who is supposed to be respected most and on whom the spiritual health of the family depends so directly. His God-given place of dignity and authority has been slowly but surely undermined. Recognizing that there are exceptions in some circles, of course, I would say that the father, in our culture, is almost viewed as dispensable. And this is such a striking contrast to the image of fatherhood that we find in Scripture.

The calling of a father in Scripture is one involving dignity, as I said, but also honor, authority, wisdom, and of course, responsibility. In the Bible, the father is presented not just as desirable if circumstances and preferences allow, but as vital. In the Bible, much of life revolves around the father and the concept of fatherhood. When men died, it was said that they were going to be with their fathers; that in itself is a testimony to the place of fathers in the workings of God. It implies men heeding their call to walk with the LORD in truth and obedience; and it implies men recognizing their weighty duty to relate to their children the faith once delivered to them.

As Jacob prepared to leave this world, for example, he made his son Joseph promise to take his body and bury it in the place of his fathers (cf. Gen. 47:29, 30). There was a bond of faith that existed and that bond ran primarily through fathers. This request of Jacob points to the fact that fathers of faith preceded their children into the next life and into the glorious presence of God. As death approached, those left in this life anticipated going to be with their fathers, meaning not just their dads, but with those devoted men who walked before the Lord and by whose diligence the faith was passed from generation to generation. And so, sometimes in Scripture you find faithful sons gladly identifying themselves with faithful fathers. When Moses named his children, for example, he called one “Eliezer,” which means “God is help.” Moses chose this name, he said, because “The God of my father was my help, and delivered me from the sword of Pharaoh.” (cf. Ex. 18:4)

This sense of the nobility of the calling of a father is being lost. In our day, fathers are portrayed as buffoons, not holy men to whom children look with reverence and thanksgiving. They are not respected and often not valued. And the result, in terms of broken homes, unhappy wives, and unruly children is staggering. The battle is not over, though it is not going well for Christians who truly want to live as the Scriptures teach. As I often say, the solution is to listen to what the Bible says and pray for the grace and the strength and the discernment to walk rightly. Nowhere is this kind of prayer needed more than in the mouths and hearts of fathers.

With that said, I bring us back to the text we have been considering for several weeks, Col. 3:18-4:1. Here is where Paul speaks about various relationships, especially those in the family, as he gives some final words of exhortation. Having examined what Paul says to wives, husbands, and children, this week, we’ll hear what the apostle has to say to fathers. In this passage, men are spoken to directly twice, once in their roles as husbands and once in their roles as fathers:

18 Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them. 20 Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart. 22 Slaves, in all things obey those who are your masters on earth, not with external service, as those who merely please men, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve. 25 For he who does wrong will receive the consequences of the wrong which he has done, and that without partiality. 4:1 Masters, grant to your slaves justice and fairness, knowing that you too have a Master in heaven.

04. Paul’s exhortation to fathers (3:21)

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.” Once again, I’m impressed with the way in which Paul captures the primary duty of fathers and, at the same time, touches upon what is, for most fathers, the most difficult aspect of that duty. You may wonder where I see all of that in this verse, so let me explain. The first thing you have to recognize as you read this verse is what is being presupposed in the background. Look at the verse again: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.” What is being assumed when Paul writes these words? Clearly, the assumption is being made that a process is going on between the father and the children; Paul is presupposing that the father and the children are having interaction. Otherwise, his exhortation would have no meaning.

The apostle is speaking in the context of what he knows is involved in the role of being a father. The primary duty of the father is to nurture his children—and that word “nurture” implies much. The father’s task is to raise Godly children and that involves a multitude of elements. As fathers pursue that duty, which Paul is assuming, once again, they are, they must be aware of one looming threat and that is what Paul calls “exasperating” a child. It would be a mistake, however, for us to rush to that word “exasperate” at this point. I’ll get to that word in a minute, but for now, I want to dwell on the assumption Paul is making about fathers and children.

It may seem like a logical and uncomplicated assumption to hold, but I’m not sure that it is held by all fathers. And again, I’m referring to the assumption that fathers are involved in that process of nurturing their children. I express doubt about the degree to which fathers grasp that essence of their duty because so many fathers seem not to understand what the Bible says about a father’s role. How can we benefit from Paul’s warning about exasperating a child if we aren’t fully engaged in interacting with that child as God intends?

So I don’t think it would be wise of us to pass over this basic working presupposition held by Paul. Before we move on, every father in this congregation must consider his relationship with his children. And as you consider that relationship, let me ask you: Are you aware of what the Bible says regarding your primary duty and are you pursuing that duty as you should? Before we worry about that threat to effective parenting on the part of the father, we need first to make sure we are committed to the idea of fatherhood as it is given to us in the Scriptures. And, as I’ve indicated, I’m not at all convinced we all are committed to that idea; in fact, I think many are struggling with the notion and others have, up to this point, not wrestled honestly with the role God has given them as a father.

Therefore, I want to give you a brief overview of what fathers are for—and this will be brief, but it is necessary, I think, so that our minds are focused on what God wants from fathers. Once we have this in view, then we can continue with Paul when he warns fathers about exasperating their children.

In this quick overview of fatherhood, I’m going to make use of the most informative book in the Bible when it comes to this subject, and that is the book of Proverbs. From Proverbs we learn that a father’s duty consists of two categories: instruction and correction. In these two concepts, we have the essence of fatherhood, which is, as I noted before, the nurture of a child from the time of birth to the time of departing from the father’s direct oversight. And it is while a father is instructing and correcting his children that Paul’s warning about exasperating a child makes sense.

Let me read to you a verse in which we have all the things I’ve said to you thus far represented: “A wise son makes a father glad, but a foolish son is a grief to his mother.” (Pro. 10:1) This verse, written, of course, by Solomon, puts before us the basic concept that is at the heart of parenting. The basic concept to which I refer is this: a child who follows the faith of the parent is a source of great satisfaction, but a child who does not follow the faith of the parent is a source of tremendous sorrow. The ultimate goal of parenting is the production of a faithful child. This is the core of what parents do and what fathers, in particular, are called to pursue, as Solomon makes so very clear here and throughout Proverbs. Although all good that we have or achieve in this life is a matter of God’s grace, He does use means to accomplish His purposes. In terms of children and their disposition toward God, He uses parents and, as I’ve just implied, fathers specifically.

In the context of Proverbs, a wise son is one who walks rightly before the LORD, one who has listened to his father’s instruction, has responded well to correction rightly administered, and has adopted his father’s belief system—notice that Solomon assumes, as does Paul, that the father is engaged in the training of the child. Because of that special bond between fathers and children, a bond necessitated because of the responsibility God has placed on the shoulders of fathers, this kind of child brings exceeding joy to the parents. But, on the other hand, the son who is not instructed and who does not receive correction is gong to be a tremendously discouraging burden to the parents. And men hear me on this: the one that makes the most difference between a wise son and a foolish son, between a child that brings joy and a child that brings sorrow, is you, the father.

Solomon is not talking about parents who cross their fingers and hope for the best. This verse comes in the context of dozens of verses in this book that tell fathers how to be fathers and tell children how to be children. There is work involved in being a father and no one can do that work in the manner it needs to be done but the father.

I stated that it is the role of the father to accomplish two things, fundamentally speaking, instruction and correction. Listen to what Solomon says in Pro. 4:10-12: “Hear, my son, and accept my sayings and the years of your life will be many. I have directed you in the way of wisdom; I have led you in upright paths. When you walk, your steps will not be impeded; and if you run, you will not stumble.” Notice how Solomon identifies what he is giving to his son: “hear, my son, and accept my sayings and the years of your life will be many…” The term “sayings” (emer) means “words, commands, speech.” Solomon is urging his son to “take up” (the meaning of “accept”) what he hears from his father and make those words, commands and insights his own.

Again, I must emphasize that such passages in Scripture obviously presuppose that the father is regularly imparting instructions to his child, not just in formal settings, such as family devotions, but in the routine course of life as the father observes his children and interacts with them. In this case, what Solomon is passing to his son is not just his opinions about life, but his perspective and conviction as a result of having learned himself from God. This is evident when the father, Solomon, promises certain benefits to his son.

Solomon also refers to this activity of educating his son as directing him “in the way of wisdom.” That word “directed” (yarah) is interesting. It means “to shoot” as when one shoots an arrow at a target. Aim is taken and skill is used to ensure that once the arrow flies, it finds the intended objective. This is how Solomon describes the process of instructing his son—not a “hit or miss” approach, but a deliberate approach, an approach that is planned, an approach with goals. Now how many fathers have actually planned the course they will follow in raising children? How many have, from the earliest years of the child, establish goals toward which the child is directed? Solomon wants to guide his son in the way of wisdom, which, again, is a life characterized by all that pleases God. This is what fathers do.

Overall, Solomon teaches that his words, insights, and advice produce a prepared son, one who is set on the course of life with precision. This son can expect favor from God as he walks in the ways of his father. This passage emphasizes the role of the father in instructing the child. Solomon describes a process that requires effort, but one that gives great reward. The father’s duty is to give such instruction—not generalized observations only, but specific teaching about all the issues of life, teaching that is goal-oriented.

The second aspect of a father’s role is correction. The father is obligated to discipline the child for the purpose of bringing forth compliance to the instruction. So, Solomon says: “He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.” (Pro. 13:24) The rod involved physical contact between the instrument and the appropriate area of the child’s body. The rod was intended to cause physical discomfort. The Bible teaches that there is a connection between physical discomfort and obedience; and the Bible teaches that the end desired is not discomfort for the sake of discomfort or obedience that is detached from understanding. The discomfort a father imparts to a child is for the sake of training in righteousness—just like when God discipline’s us even when we are adults. There is an age during which a child responds to this form of discipline when he will not respond to other forms of non-physical coercion.

Solomon, you’ll notice, speaks bluntly about that matter. If you refuse to discipline, then you hate your child. He could not say this if this means of discipline were, in fact, cruel and abusive as some insist. In fact, Solomon says a loving father “disciplines diligently.” This means more than once or twice in the child’s lifetime. It means whenever necessary or as often as necessary.

I’ll give you one more verse to think about as we complete this much abbreviated look at a father’s calling: “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him.” (Pro. 22:15) This verse explains why a father must not only instruct a child, but also provide discipline. The word rendered “foolishness” (iweleth) means just that—folly, stupidity. Solomon says this is what is “bound up” in the heart of your child. That word “bound” (qashar) means “to conspire” and it has a definite moral overtone. In the heart of the child, that is, in that part of him that determines his moral disposition, there is a conspiracy of stupidity or a profound proclivity to folly. That child has a corrupted nature. And the most effective treatment for this tendency toward impudence is discipline.

Here, the word translated “child” (naar) means “a lad, a youth.” Solomon is speaking about how young children are to be guided. At a young age, you don’t reason with them as you might when they are older and you don’t try to persuade them through controlled argumentation as you might when they are older. “The rod of discipline,” Solomon promises, “will remove [foolishness] far from [the child].” By the way, don’t miss the fact that most of what Solomon says about training children applies to their young years; that is when the father wins the child’s heart and confidence.

In summary, all that Solomon says presupposes a father who understands his role, who grasps the seriousness of the responsibility given to him, and who is determined to perform his task of nurturing children. This is not a “once in a while” role that God gives to fathers; it is a constantly demanding role, especially during the young years of a child’s life.

Now, with these things in mind, we are ready to return to Paul. When he writes that fathers are not to “exasperate” their children, he has in mind the very things we’ve just reviewed, namely, a father who is instructing and correcting his children as a normal and ongoing aspect of their lives. In that process, which we must admit is not without significant challenges since both fathers and children are sinners, the father must guard against exasperating his children. The word translated “exasperate” (erethizo) means “to provoke, to stir up.” This word is used only two times in the New Testament. It is used here, where it has a negative connotation, and in 2 Cor. 9:2, where Paul speaks of people being moved to action because of the good testimony of others.

What, exactly, does Paul mean? This word is in the present tense, which in Greek means Paul is referring to something that is ongoing or something that is habitual. A father does what Paul says he should not do when he constantly points out the child’s shortcomings, or continually “rides” the child about mistakes or other failures and does so as an accuser instead of as a mentor. Anyone can nag a child about failures and weaknesses, but a father is supposed to nurture, as I’ve said many times already, and that involves those two components of instruction and correction. Ridiculing the son who makes a mistake or who disobeys not only fails to build the child’s understanding and character, it also destroys. Just about every father does this and that’s why Paul provides this exhortation.

The essence of fathering is not simply identifying sins and mistakes; it also involves helping the child overcome those aspects of his sinful nature that are hindering his maturity. So, ideally, a father is instructing his children in properly conduct and thinking, and he is also correcting his children by appropriate means. What he should not do, according to Paul, is dedicate himself to pointing out all the faults of his children as if identifying a fault is, by itself, sufficient.

And take note of what Paul warns: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.” Nothing demoralizes us more than criticism that lacks compassion and a desire to help. Constant criticism in the absence of nurturing will produce a child who, instead of being excited about life and the future and what can be learned from a father, is wilted and weary.

Application

As I close, I want to offer a few quick observations to help fathers apply more directly what Paul has commanded. First, let me say to fathers: you must be prepared. The process Paul assumes is taking place between a father and his children, as I said before, requires that you, the father, be walking rightly with the Lord. How can you hope to nurture your children if your life before God is inconsistent? How can you hope to instruction your children if you aren’t studying the Word? How can you hope to provide them with that essential correction in life if you aren’t living a God-honoring life yourself? The task given to fathers is not one for which, as fallen men, we are naturally equipped. We have to be equipped and we have to dedicate ourselves to the well-being of our children. Men, don’t expect to have God-fearing children if you aren’t in that position yourself.

Second, I want you to notice that Paul speaks specifically to fathers and not fathers and mothers in our verse. What is that? The answer should be clear; the father is the chief character when it comes to nurturing the child. I know that is not necessarily the popular view today, but it is the Biblical view. Our culture—even the culture inside the Church—makes it easy for a father to slip out from under the responsibility God has placed on his shoulders. I would say in the vast majority of Christian homes today, the mother is far more influential in the children’s lives than the father. That should not be. Fathers, are you doing what you’re supposed to be doing or are you passing off the responsibility God has given you to your wife or to the church?

Third, I would like to remind all fathers that we have a model to which we can look for help and that is our heavenly Father. If you want to know how you are supposed to relate to your children, study the way God relates to us. Does any serious Christian doubt the love of God our Father? At the same time, do any of us think He has no concern when we are in sin or do any of us think God doesn’t care how we mature or what decisions we make or how we ultimately turn out? We all know that God our Father loves us with a pure and everlasting love; and we all know that He instructs us and corrects us as we make our way through life. So, fathers, be encouraged by looking at the example of your Father in heaven; learn from Him.

So, fathers, how are you doing? Are you prepared to instruct and correct your children as God intends? You cannot do what you are called to do as a father unless you are prepared. You cannot teach a son or a daughter how to be a child of God if you are not a man of God. And at the heart of your preparation is the gospel. Have you believed in Jesus Christ as your Savior and are you resting on Him and Him alone? You must be reconciled to God before you can lead your children in the path of righteousness and in Christ that reconciliation takes place. His death in your place; His righteousness instead of your sin. That is the starting point for being a father. Are you a man of faith?

And fathers, are you willing to embrace the unique role God has given to you? You may have to be done with other things so that you can do this all-important thing well. Consider where your time goes each week and ask yourself: How much of my time was invested in my children as opposed to other—sometimes unimportant—things?

And, finally, are you looking to your Father in heaven as an example? Consider how He instructs and corrects and yet never leaves you feeling ridiculed or abandoned. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if your children had a dad like that?

Conclusion

We conclude each week with the sacrament Jesus appointed to encourage us as we live out our days. We are encouraged because in this sacrament we have declared and portrayed to us the Savior’s giving of Himself for us. We have the assurance in this sacrament that our sins have been forgiven and that the life we are called to live now is one in which Jesus helps us.

The Scripture says:

While they were eating, Jesus took some bread, and after a blessing, He broke it and gave it to the disciples, and said, “Take, eat; this is My body.” And when He had taken a cup and given thanks, He gave it to them, saying, “Drink from it, all of you; for this is My blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for forgiveness of sins. (Matt. 26:26-28)