The Book of Proverbs
Study #10: Conflict
September 5, 2004
Jim Bordwine, ThD
Introduction

When Solomon teaches about conflict, he concentrates on communication. Not unexpectedly, therefore, he has much to say about the connection between conflict and speech. Solomon also teaches several principles that should be adopted so that we exercise proper discernment in the matter of avoiding conflict altogether or, when forced to engage in it, conduct ourselves in the most profitable manner.

The first verse I've selected puts this matter of conflict into a proper Biblical perspective. Solomon teaches us that strife or quarreling is not just one of those aspects of life we cannot avoid. He teaches us that conflict is a dishonorable thing and is the mark of a fool.

Our Memory Verse

Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man,

but any fool will quarrel.

(Pro. 20:3)

It takes a verse like this to start us thinking about conflict in a Biblical manner. We are so used to conflict in this life. We have conflict in our homes and in our marriages and in our churches and in our places of work. We complain about all the conflict and it makes us weary but we accept it, nevertheless, as one of those unavoidable aspects of living in a fallen world. But the truth is we can do much to control and even eliminate conflict. As in so many other areas that we've talked about in this study of the book of Proverbs, what I do, how I react to situations, and what I decide to say has a lot to do with whether I get pulled into unnecessary conflict.

Let me define a couple of the words in that first phrase. First, there's the word translated "strife" (riyb). It means "controversy, contention, dispute, quarrel." Second, there is the word rendered "honor" (kabowd). This term means such things as "glory, splendor, dignity." Solomon teaches that avoiding controversy is a noble thing to do; it is a desirable thing. To avoid a dispute is a mark of distinction for a man. There is nothing noble in charging into a situation in which there is strife; there is nothing dignified about participating in a controversial situation.

Note how clearly Solomon commends the one who keeps away from strife. Immediately we are informed that it is a good and desirable thing to avoid conflict. Conflict rarely has a positive outcome or an edifying affect on the participants. Otherwise, Solomon would commend the person who seeks out and engages in strife. Strife is not good and it is not edifying. Strife implies disorder and disorder contradicts the nature of God. So strife is, at the very core, an offense to and an attack upon the character of God. In the Trinity, there is no strife; there is only and always perfect harmony. Strife is not God-like, it is a characteristic of lack of Godly thinking and behavior.

The second phrase adds an emphasis to what Solomon has said. It is an honor or a desirable thing for a man to avoid strife or controversy because "any fool will quarrel." Engaging in conflict is the mark of a fool just as surely as avoiding conflict is the mark of an honorable man. This is, I'll say, a vastly different perspective than what is held by some--even some Christians. There are people who think that engaging in controversy or participating in disagreement is a spiritually healthy exercise. Solomon contradicts that notion. Peace is always better than turbulence; harmony is always to be preferred before contention. One reflects the character of God and the other reflects the character of godlessness.

I want to offer a word of qualification. We are speaking of conflict in a general manner, of course. There are times when we must contend for what is right; there are times when we must battle for truth. Solomon isn't suggesting that we be weaklings and mutes and say nothing even when truth is being maligned. He is speaking of the general way in which life unfolds. He is speaking of the routine kinds of conflict we encounter which have much more to do with stubbornness and hardheadedness and pride than with zeal for truth. The word he uses, which is translated "strife," tells that he is not speaking of defending the faith or the good name of God. He is speaking of unnecessary arguments and disagreements that arise when people refuse to subdue themselves or refuse to be instructed or refuse to consider rightly another point of view.

As a general principle, therefore, we are to avoid conflict. We are to watch for it and go the other way. If we find ourselves in it, we are to abandon it. Whatever we can do to eliminate, avoid or minimize contention, we are to do it. The remaining verses I've chosen will help us know how to do these things.

Additional Verses

A gentle answer turns away wrath,

but a harsh word stirs up anger.

(Pro. 15:1)

As I said earlier, Solomon draws a connection between conflict and communication. You cannot argue with someone without making use of some form of communicating, usually verbally and in person. So, Solomon gives his insight concerning this aspect of conflict. In terms of the subject he is treating, Solomon divides communication into two categories: gentle and harsh. In typical fashion, he reduces the matter to these two fundamental characteristics. There are "gentle" words and there are "harsh" words. One kind of communication defuses or prevents conflict; the other kind agitates and guarantees conflict.

First, Solomon speaks of "a gentle answer." The word "gentle" (rak) means "tender, soft." When used of speech, it refers to words that are not provocative and words that are not chosen to inflame. This kind of response or answer, Solomon says, "turns away wrath." Here we learn something about conflict. One of the root causes of conflict is the vocabulary chosen in an encounter. There are words that can be used and they do not cause the other party to get angry, feel insulted, or feel the need to retaliate in kind. A gentle answer is a word designed to calm--not compromise. The power of our words is such that we can stop a conflict from occurring or stop the escalation of a conflict already in progress if we choose the right words.

If all this is true about carefully chosen words, then it must also be true that ill-chosen words will produce the opposite outcome. And so Solomon assures the reader that "a harsh word stirs up anger." In this case, the word translated "harsh" (etseb) means "pain, labor, offense, hurt." This is a word that is does mean to provoke or leave the other part with no choice but to be insulted or fight back verbally. Most people, given our natures, are going to fight back verbally, so the cycle continues. A harsh word is spoken and it is met with a harsh word in reply. Until one party chooses to speak make a gentle answer, there will be no peace. But to speak a gentle answer requires self-control; it requires one who is willing to surrender his desire to be right and to have the last word. This is a hard thing for us to do because our flesh demands to express itself. It takes work, therefore, to become a person who gives a gentle answer rather than a harsh word.

The beginning of strife is like letting out water,

so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.

(Pro. 17:14)

The previous verse is most applicable once a quarrel has begun. This verse is a warning about how to avoid getting involved in conflict before it begins. Solomon uses lots of images in Proverbs to convey truth. This is a good example. Suppose you have a container with a lot of water in it. As you tip it over, the water begins to trickle out but soon gushes out. I don't know if Solomon had in mind a large container of water, but his point is easily understood. At first, you seen a little bit of water but you know what is coming. So it is with strife, he says. When you see a little bit, understand that soon a lot will be coming. The wise man, therefore, learns to recognize the signs of strife and when he sees them, he immediately changes the situation.

When one man is talking to another and one of them notices the signs of disagreement, he can do one of two things--press on to make sure his point is heard, or stop right there and end the conversation before it becomes contentious. Solomon's advice, of course, is the latter--just walk away before a quarrel breaks out. This is simple advice, it is so easily understood, but so very hard for us to follow. Our flesh, as I said before, does not like to be denied and does not like to be told to be quiet. The fallen nature is, by definition, uncontrolled and prone to conflict. It has to be subdued; it has to be mastered or it will master you.

One of the hardest things you'll ever do is walk away from a contentious situation. But it's also one of the most beneficial practices you'll ever discover, if you manage to do it.

Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will also be like him.

Answer a fool as his folly deserves, that he not be wise in his own eyes.

(Pro. 26:4, 5)

This is one of the most instructive passages on conflict found in Proverbs. Some translations create confusion regarding Solomon's words. For example, the KJV says:

Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him. Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.

It's a minor point, perhaps, but it does seem as though the KJV is saying two different things: don't answer a fool, do answer a fool. It isn't difficult to figure out, however, what Solomon means and the NASB supplies that word "deserves" in the v. 5 in order to make clear what he has in mind. If you answer a fool "according to his folly," that means you engage in communication with him using the same type and character of words he is using. Inevitably, contention will escalate and, in the end, you will be just like him, Solomon warns.

As an alternative, you answer the fool "as his folly deserves" and that changes things completely. Solomon doesn't explain details about how you answer a fool in a way that constitutes a proper reply to his folly, he just says that's the way you should handle such a person. This is where some discernment might be needed. Does the fool deserve patient instruction or a sharp rebuke or a mild admonition or simple silence on your part? Whatever response is decided upon, notice that your goal is to make sure the fool doesn't come away thinking he is wise. This might imply that silence would not be an option; it might imply that some kind of correction, mild or sharp or somewhere in between is necessary. But correction of the fool does seem to be the main idea here.

Although Solomon doesn't mention conflict in these verses, it's not difficult to see how this passage ties in with our study. Here you are dealing with the most irritating kind of person, the person who "spouts off" and comes across with a great deal of confidence in his own opinions. He may make use of false information or illogical arguments or some other illegitimate means to attempt to build himself up and make his point of view sound most believable. But you are not to use similar tactics in response, Solomon warns. Instead, figure out what is the best way in which to correct that person and make use of that means.

A prudent man sees evil and hides himself,

the naive proceed and pay the penalty.

(Pro. 27:12)

Here is one of the most beneficial statements you'll find in the book of Proverbs. This is one of those verses that contains a principle that has a multitude of applications. Dealing with conflict happens to be one area in which the teaching of this verse is most helpful. This verse, if followed, provides a means to avoid conflict altogether. You won't have to attempt to control it or defuse is or extricate yourself from conflict if you follow what Solomon says here.

There are times when you can see trouble coming, so to speak. Maybe you've been in a similar situation before and you know where it's headed or maybe you've encountered a particular type of person before so you know what is coming. Whatever the case, if you perceive evil, if you have that moment of recognition in which you realize that conflict is just around the corner, then Solomon says you should hide yourself. You should make yourself unavailable. You can be involved in conflict or strife if you are a participant.

He describes this move as that which would characterize a "prudent man." That word "prudent" (aruwm) means "crafty, shrewd, sensible." This is a man who knows a thing or two about human nature, including his own, and determines not to put himself in a situation where he is likely to encounter contrary people. We have all been present when a conversation takes a turn toward gossip or toward argumentation. That is when the sensible person walks away. The word rendered "hide" (cathar) means "to conceal, to be absent." If you aren't there, you can't say anything inflammatory or inappropriate; if you aren't present, you can't be drawn into controversy. Such a simple step as walking away or avoiding the situation has great benefits.

Notice that the "naïve" person goes ahead and ignores the warning signs. That word "naïve" (pethiy) means "simple, open-minded (in a bad sense)." This is the unthinking person, the person without discernment, the person who thinks they are immune to the influence of evil in spite of what the Word tells us. This person ignores Solomon's warnings and must "pay the penalty."

So, Solomon says: avoid the bad situation if you can. Don't think you are capable of having contact with evil without cost. In the matter of conflict, the principle found in this verse says that we are to avoid the contentious situation rather than go into it thinking we are in no danger. Solomon is teaching that a wise person stays away from bad situations. He have given instructions on how to defuse strife, how to minimize it and how to control it. Now he gives us instructions on how to avoid strife altogether, which is of course most preferable.

The remainder of verses on the list I supplied to the congregation can be studied at your convenience:

Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all transgressions. (Pro. 10:12)

Better is a dry morsel and quietness with it than a house full of feasting with strife. (Pro. 17:1)

Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will quarrel. (Pro. 20:3)

Drive out the scoffer, and contention will go out, even strife and dishonor will cease. (Pro. 22:10)

For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down. (Pro. 26:20)

An arrogant man stirs up strife, but he who trusts in the LORD will prosper. (Pro. 28:25)

When a wise man has a controversy with a foolish man, the foolish man either rages or laughs, and there is no rest. (Pro. 29:9) 

Practical Responses

My only advice, in terms of a response to what Solomon has said, is this: Practice what he teaches. If you can avoid conflict, if you see it coming, as it were, avoid it. If you are involved in it, seek to defuse it with carefully chosen words. Above all, realize that strife is not honoring to God. It is, as I said, contrary to the nature of the Trinity and, therefore, a most harmful element. But be warned: you will not find it easy to avoid or minimize conflict because you are a sinner and while most sinners may not thrive on conflict, all sinners are well-prepared to create it and participate in it.