The Book of Proverbs
Study #16: Parents
October 31, 2004
Jim Bordwine, ThD
Introduction
Solomon provides an entire philosophy for the parent-child relationship. All that he says can be divided into two general categories: the role of parents and the role of children. Under these two categories, however, can be listed several elements. While Solomon’s instructions and observations are simple, they constitute the essence of a proper, productive and God-honoring relationship.

The role of the parent has a two-fold manifestation. The role of the child is singularly focused. In this study, after considering a verse that lays a foundation, we will look at what Solomon has to say about the role of parents and the role of children.

Our Memory Verse

A wise son makes a father glad,

but a foolish son is a grief to his mother.

(Pro. 10:1)

For our memory verse, I chose a saying from Solomon that puts before us the basic concept that is at the heart of his advice on the parent-child relationship. The basic concept to which I refer is this: a child who follows the faith of the parent is a source of great satisfaction, but a child who does not follow the faith of the parent is a source of tremendous sorrow. This is so because our faith is who we are, it is what defines us. And our love for our children is unique among all the relationships we have. Therefore, if those we love so uniquely and dearly respond rightly to what we impart to them in terms of our fundamental convictions as human beings, that will be, of course, most gratifying to us. If, on the other hand, those we love so uniquely and dearly reject what we impart to them, it is a very personal offense and a very personal issue and it causes pain of an exceptional kind.

There are several ways in which Solomon expresses this basic principle. One of them is found here in our memory verse. In the context of Proverbs, a wise son is one who walks rightly before the LORD, one who has listened to his father’s instruction and has adopted his father’s belief system. Because of that special bond between parents and children, this kind of son makes his father glad. This word (samach) means to rejoice or to be joyful; it is a word that describes the celebration of the heart.

But Solomon also describes the effect of a son who does not take the instruction given. This son is "foolish," which means he is the opposite of the commendable characteristics in Proverbs. And he is a "grief" to his mother. This time, the word (tuwgah) means "heaviness." It’s a word that refers to an excessive burden of the soul.

Please note that the gladness caused by the one son and the grief caused by the other son has to do first and foremost with the path each has chosen to walk. Solomon says nothing about the wise son giving gifts to his father and nothing about the foolish soon mistreating his mother. It is the respective ways in which each son has chosen to respond to the faith of the parent that makes the difference. Heart-felt gladness is produced when a child manifests the faith passed down by the parent. Deep sorrow of soul is produced when a child manifests a rejection of the faith passed down by the parent.

As I noted, what Solomon says about the parent-child relationship can be broken down into two general categories: the role of the parent and the role of the child. Further, the role of the parent has two aspects to it. As we continue, we’ll look first a some verses that explain this two-fold role of the parent, and then we’ll consider some verses that speak of the child’s responsibility.

Additional verses

It is the role of the parent to accomplish two things, fundamentally speaking. First, the parent is to see to the instruction of the child. In this matter, Solomon writes:

Hear, my son, and accept my sayings and the years of your life will be many.

I have directed you in the way of wisdom; I have led you in upright paths.

When you walk, your steps will not be impeded;

And if you run, you will not stumble.

(Pro. 4:10-12)

Notice how Solomon identifies what he is giving to his son: "hear, my son, and accept my sayings and the years of your life will be many..." The term "sayings" (emer) means "words, commands, speech." Solomon is urging his son to "take up" (the meaning of "accept") what he hears from his father and make those words, commands and insights his own. What Solomon is passing to his son is not just his opinions about life, but his perspective and conviction as a result of having learned himself from God. This is evident when the father, Solomon, promises certain benefits to his son.

Solomon also refers to this activity of educating his son as directing him "in the way of wisdom." That word "directed" (yarah) is interesting. It means "to shoot" as when one shoots an arrow at a target. Aim is taken and skill is used to ensure that once the arrow flies, it finds the intended objective. This is how Solomon describes the process of instructing his son--not a "hit or miss" approach, but a deliberate approach. Solomon wants to guide his son in the way of wisdom, which, again, is a life characterized by all that pleases God.

And Solomon adds more promises of blessing. Overall, he teaches that his words, instructions, insights and advice produce a prepared son, one who is set on the course of life with precision. This son can expect favor from God as he walks in the ways of his father. This passage emphasizes the role of the father in instructing the child. Solomon describes a process that requires effort, but one that gives great reward. The parent’s duty is to give such instruction--not generalized observations, but specific teaching about all the issues of life, teaching that is goal-oriented.

My son, observe the commandment of your father

and do not forsake the teaching of your mother;

bind them continually on your heart; tie them around your neck.

When you walk about, they will guide you;

when you sleep, they will watch over you;

and when you awake, they will talk to you.

(Pro. 6:20-22)

This passage teaches the same basic truth as the previous one. Solomon again describes a process in which the father instructs and the son is blessed. This time, Solomon urges his son to "observe the commandment of your father." The word "commandment" (mitzvah) gives us a bit more insight regarding just what father is supposed to impart to his child. This word means only one thing--commandment. So here Solomon clarifies that it’s not just advice or suggestion that the faithful father gives to his son; sometimes it is pure commandment. Parenting is not negotiating and there are times when commandments must be given.

Solomon repeats the idea when he mentions the teaching of a mother. That word "teaching" (towrah) means "law." Parents must give to their children the law that governs their lives. Again, this is an aspect of imparting the faith. And Solomon goes on to list all the benefits that a child can expect when he receives and keeps the laws of his parents: guidance, moral protection, and discernment. As with the first passage, these verses emphasize the parent’s duty to instruct the child in the way of acceptable thinking and living.

The second aspect of a parents role is discipline. The parent is obligated to discipline the child for the purpose of bringing forth compliance to the instruction. So, Solomon says:

He who withholds his rod hates his son,

but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.

(Pro. 13:24)

The rod was a common means of discipline. It involved physical contact between the chosen instrument and the appropriate area of the child’s body. The rod was intended to cause significant physical discomfort. The Bible teaches that there is a connection between physical discomfort and obedience. There is an age during which a child responds to this form of discipline when he will not respond to other forms of non-physical coercion.

Solomon speaks bluntly about that matter: If you refuse to employ physical discomfort as a means of discipline, then you hate your child. He could not say this if this means of discipline were, in fact, cruel and abusive as some insist. In fact, Solomon says a loving parent "disciplines diligently." This means more than once or twice in the child’s lifetime. It means whenever necessary or as often as necessary.

Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child;

the rod of discipline will remove it far from him.

(Pro. 22:15)

This verse explains why a parent must discipline a child. The word rendered "foolishness" (iweleth) means just that--folly, stupidity. Solomon says this is what is "bound up" in the heart of your child. That word "bound" (qashar) means "to conspire" and it has a definite moral overtone. In the heart of the child, that is, in that part of him that determines his moral disposition, there is a conspiracy of stupidity or a profound proclivity to folly. That child has a corrupted nature. And the most effective treatment for this tendency toward imprudence is physical discipline.

The word translated "child" (naar), by the way, means "a lad, a youth." Solomon is speaking about how young children are to be guided. At a young age, you don’t reason with them as you might when they are older and you don’t try to persuade them through controlled agumentation as you might when they are older. When they are young, you use the most effective means to enforce the instruction you have given and the most effective means, once again, if physical discomfort. "The rod of discipline," Solomon promises, "will remove [foolishness] far from [the child]." That term "remove" (rachaq) means "to become distant."

These examples are sufficient to set before the parent the necessity of discipline, including physical persuasion when necessary. The parent has the duty to instruct and enforce instruction.

Now, what about the child? What is the child’s role in Solomon’s philosophy of the parent-child relationship? As I noted before, the child has only one simple responsibility. We’ve already seen this responsibility identified--the child has the responsibility to listen to the instructions given by the parent. This duty is represented in this verse:

A wise son accepts his father’s discipline,

but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke.

(Pro. 13:1)

Earlier, in that passage from chapter four, Solomon said "accept my sayings." Later, in the passage from chapter six, he said "observe the commandment of your father." Here, the principle already stated is repeated. The principle that runs throughout Proverbs when it comes to the parent-child relationship is that the child has the obligation of accepting and implementing the instruction he has received. Solomon says that the wise son, the son who is doing right, is the son who accepts his father’s discipline--that is, he listens to what he is told, values his father as a source of much-needed wisdom and guidance, and conforms himself to that instruction.

The word "discipline" is not, on this occasion, referring to physical discipline. This time, a term is used (muwcar) that means "instruction, correction, rebuke." It is a word that covers many possible kinds of teaching--simple statements about truth, the correction of a wrong opinion or, in necessary, the stronger rebuke in order to stress the seriousness of a matter. The child that honors the LORD is the one who receives and lives by what he is taught.

The opposite reaction is what Solomon labels as "a scoffer." This word is both informative and humorous. It’s a term (liyliyth) that means "screech owl." There are children who mock instruction and who count as insignificant the teaching they receive. They are like that owl that flies around at night making that extremely annoying sound.

The remainder of the verses I picked for this study may be examined at your convenience.

My son, if you will receive my words And treasure my commandments within you, Make your ear attentive to wisdom, Incline your heart to understanding; For if you cry for discernment, Lift your voice for understanding; If you seek her as silver And search for her as for hidden treasures; Then you will discern the fear of the LORD And discover the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom; From His mouth come knowledge and understanding. (Pro. 2:1-6)

My son, do not reject the discipline of the LORD Or loathe His reproof, For whom the LORD loves He reproves, Even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights. (Pro. 3:11, 12)

Cease listening, my son, to discipline, and you will stray from the words of knowledge. (Pro. 19:27)

He who curses his father or his mother, His lamp will go out in time of darkness. (Pro. 20:20)

The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice, ad he who sires a wise son will be glad in him. Let your father and your mother be glad, ad let her rejoice who gave birth to you. (Pro. 23:24, 25)

The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother. (Pro. 29:15)

Correct your son, and he will give you comfort; He will also delight your soul. (Pro. 29:17)

Practical Responses

All that Solomon says presupposes parents who understand their role, who grasp the seriousness of the responsibility given to them, and who are determined to perform this task of instructing their child. This is not a "once in a while" role that God gives to parents; it is a constantly demanding role, especially during the young years of a child’s life. That is when the relationship of parent to child is established so that the child views the parent as a welcomed source of input.

In terms of a practical response, therefore, I would urge parents to think seriously about duty. And then, having thought seriously about duty, determine what changes need to be made, if any, so that you are instructing and disciplining your child as Solomon teaches. I would also encourage parents with the truth that this is a long-term process, one that requires occasional "restarts" or course corrections along the way. It is easy to become discouraged in parenting, but what we rely on is the sure teaching of Scripture--and so, we go back to that teaching as often as necessary. What we do not do is give up or, even worse, never start to fulfill the duty God has given us.